


Full

by plantbaby



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood-centric, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, Introspection, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-11-17 02:40:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11266245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plantbaby/pseuds/plantbaby
Summary: He has always been so full – full of anger, full of fear, full of dejection, full of shame, full of love.





	Full

He stirs awake, a sudden noise or a flicker of light disturbing his perpetually light sleep. Always the solider, ever watchful, he glances around the bedroom and when he doesn’t pinpoint any immediate danger, his head flops back onto the pillow. He rubs at his eyes and sighs softly as his muscles gradually relax and he sinks back into the gracious warmth of Magnus’ bed. He turns his head, glancing over his boyfriend, checking up on him. Magnus’ face is bathed in moonlight. It highlights his cheekbones along with the eyelashes resting on them. Alec has to fight the urge to trace his fingers over them; they seem as delicate as butterfly wings. His mouth quirks up in a smile that is terribly fond as he notices that Magnus – always so graceful and elegant – is drooling on his pillow. He can’t believe that he is allowed to see him like this. Giddy laughter almost escapes him as he wipes the saliva away from the corner of Magnus’ mouth, the man snuggling deeper into his pillow and scrunching his nose.

He never thought he would get this - his own partner, someone he can splurge on, someone he can invest his whole being into, someone he can share things with, someone he can sometimes argue and then make up with, someone who makes him proud, someone for whom he is good enough even at his lowest. He feels tears prickling his eyes and he scoffs at himself. His carefully crafted facade has been cracking ever since he let Magnus in. He has always been so full – full of anger, full of fear, full of dejection, full of shame, full of love – but he used to be able to distance himself by shoving those emotions away and waiting them out or getting rid of them as he hit his punching bag until his knuckles split and blistered.

Nowadays, he feels like he came loose – every feeling heightened and raw, ready to be unleashed. He can feel it in the way he holds himself in a battle – more passionate, but also confident – especially with Jace and Magnus in front of him. He can feel it in the way he seeks Magnus out when he is scared, in the way he bites into his bottom lip and pushes himself close when Magnus lifts him up against the wall, hands greedy and mouths hungry. He can feel it in a careful, curious sensation of a first-in-the-morning touch of his fingers to Magnus’ sleep-warm skin. He can feel it in the burst of outrage caused by someone insulting his loved ones. He can feel it in the shame that comes with the realization that he was one of those people insulting Magnus and his heritage and that sometimes he’s still this person and that he has to bite his tongue bloody, because this toxicity still seeps out of his brain at the most unexpected times. He feels it in the way Magnus’ hands rest on his hips as they roll against him, securing him, guiding him, letting him know that he’s bringing Magnus as much pleasure as he’s receiving. He can feel it in the feeling of desperation that crawls up his throat and squeezes tight when he loses the sight of Magnus in the thick of a battle.

Sometimes, he feels so stretched thin; his emotions overflowing and overwhelming him – emotions that he can’t even name. Now, he moves closer to Magnus and rests his head against his chest, Magnus’ heartbeat deafening in his ear. His mind quiets. His pulse slows down. He closes his eyes.


End file.
